The Confidence Gap and Steps to Bridge It

Written By: Preethi Jayaraman, W’25 | Edited By: Emma Conrad, W’24


Scenario 1:

Professor: Therefore, y = mx + b.

Student: Wait, sorry, this might be a dumb question, but is ‘m’ the slope? I’m really sorry, but I don’t really get it.

Scenario 2:

Employer: This has been a great board meeting, please come see me if you have any questions.

Employee: Hello sir, thank you so much for hosting this meeting. I don’t want to bother you, but if you have any spare time, I was hoping you’d review my work? It’s totally okay if you don’t have time though.

Scenario 3:

Doctor: Good job organizing the patient reports for this month.

Nurse: Oh wait, thank you. I actually forgot to file by last name, which was completely my fault, but next time I will try my very best to do better.

There is a commonality between these three scenarios that may be more obvious to some than others. Likely, if you are a woman, these situations felt all too familiar. Regardless of your gender, you likely  read the lines of Student, Employee, and Nurse all in a woman’s voice — this fact in itself is very telling.

Studies have shown, and continue showing, that women lack confidence and self-assurance compared to men. Confidence matters just as much, or arguably more, than skill in order to succeed in the business world. You can be the most diligent, capable, badass woman in the world and still get walked all over in business settings if you don’t have the guts to stand up for yourself. Men are taught from childhood that they need to ‘grow a pair of balls’ in order to achieve their goals, but it turns out that ovaries can do the job just fine with enough confidence.

Each of the three scenarios above are examples of the phenomena of over-apologizing, upspeaking, and the perfection trap (respectively). These habits of women hinder their own success in the workplace. Let’s go over what exactly these habits are, why they happen, and most importantly, what we as women can do to nip them in the bud.


Over-apologizing

  • What is it?

    • This one is pretty self explanatory: you say sorry too much. You forget to call your friend back — “Oh, sorry.” You sneeze during a lecture — “Oh, sorry.” Someone bumps into you (yes, they bump into you, you didn’t even bump into them) — “Oh, sorry.” Sometimes apologizing is a good thing, but when the apologies become repetitive and meaningless, you are undermining yourself and your authority. 

  • Why does it happen?

    • This phenomenon (like so many others) can be tied back to the patriarchy. In patriarchal societies, men have always been seen as breadwinners while women are seen as maternal figures. As young girls grow up, they are expected to show empathy and compassion , just like a mother would. Meanwhile, young boys are praised for showing confidence and intelligence because these traits are conducive to becoming rich and successful. This emphasis on empathy within young girls manifests as over-apologizing in womanhood because women have a subconscious fear of being too pushy or forward. Thus, we pepper our language with phrases like, “I’m not sure but…” and “Excuse me, can I ask…”, etc. 

  • What can we do about it?

    • 1. Fix your vocabulary. You can still be polite without saying sorry. For example, instead of saying, “Sorry, that day doesn’t work for me,” try, “Unfortunately, that day doesn’t work for me.” 

    • 2. Be intentional with apologies. Stop apologizing for things that are out of your control. When you apologize, it should be genuine and meaningful. All parties involved benefit from this: the people around you will know that when you use the word “sorry,” it’s because you truly are. 


Upspeak

  • What is it?

    • Upspeak is a linguistic pattern that occurs when you raise your intonation at the ends of sentences. In English, this means that you make the ends of your sentences sound more like a question than a statement. For instance, if asked what day of the week it is, you may say, “It’s Thursday?”, even if you know for a fact that it is Thursday. Upspeak is used both intentionally and unintentionally by women and it expresses uncertainty, nervousness, and a lack of confidence.

  • Why does it happen?

    • Research explains that women train themselves to upspeak, whether or not they realize it, in order to come across as kind and informative rather than “bossy” or “bitchy.” Women want to be taken seriously, so they feel as though they have to soften the ends of their sentences in order to be listened to without judgment.

  • What can we do about it?

    • Practice! It may feel stupid, but try practicing speaking in the mirror, in the shower, or to your friends. Remember to assert yourself when you’re stating something, and save the upspeak for actual questions. Practicing is the best way to break this bad habit because nervousness is one of the main causes of upspeak, especially when it comes to public speaking. The more experience you have speaking confidently, the better your long-term speech patterns will be.


Perfection Trap

  • What is it?

    • The perfection trap is a habit rooted in people, but more commonly in women, to strive for perfection in everything they do. This mindset involves taking failure personally, which results in a constant cycle of self-blame and self-loathing.

  • Why does it happen?

    • Similar to the origins of over-apologizing, the perfection trap can be attributed to childhood experiences. Young girls are harshly criticized for acting in insensitive, aggressive, and uncareful manners. Conversely, young boys are excused for this very same behavior because it’s likely just their “testosterone;” after all, boys will be boys, right? Thus, girls mature into women that are overly-cautious to not step on anyone’s toes or make any mistakes, especially in their education and work life. This issue is heightened for POC women, as there is even more pressure to prove themselves in the workplace in order to break minority stereotypes and bring pride to their family and culture. 

  • What can we do about it?

    • 1. Create realistic goals for yourself. Use the SMART method to come up with specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-based goals. Setting reasonable goals will help combat both perfectionist tendencies as well as burnout.

    • 2. Practice saying “no” and delegating. Newsflash — if you want to do every single thing in the world, you cannot do it all perfectly. Rather than juggling a million different tasks, take on the ones that you are truly passionate about and try delegating the other tasks to other people.

    • 3. Remember that your value is not determined by your work. I think every single Penn student could benefit from this mantra, so please, stop associating your self-worth with whether or not McKinsey decides to give you the time of day. I promise that you will land on your feet at the end of all this, just take things one day at a time and let yourself breathe.


Bad News and Good News...

Unfortunately for us women, the three habits of over-apologizing, upspeak, and the perfection trap don’t even begin to cover all of the tendencies we have that inhibit our career growth. Whether we like it or not, we live in a world designed by men and for men, so we are just going to have to work 10x harder in order to succeed. But, if we as women can push 8-pound watermelons out of wombs, then we can surely push past the patriarchy too. With a tad more attention to our workplace habits, we are bound to flourish. At the end of the day, who in your career is going to have confidence in you if you don’t demonstrate that you have confidence in yourself?



Citations:



Wharton Women